It's that time of year where I give my extremely important opinion on movies that I have seen. Why? Because I have keen eye, a fertile intellect and voracious need to chop down the rich and attractive.
G.I. Joe (Warning Contains Truths)
First off, I can't review this film like a normal movie. I have seen other people mock it for it's "physics" or complete lack of reality. I jetted that out the window. Criticizing a summer blockbuster because of it's lack of reality is like telling a little kid that he's not likely to become an cowboy because the industry has changed.
The movie hit it's high point during the previews for other films. I was extremely excited to see what talented filmmakers where doing while the GI Joe guys were vomiting out celluloid.
There were some other bright spots. Marlon Wayans has some good lines and runs circles around the rest of the cast. ( I recall he did this with another terrible franchise film. A free pound of fresh pasta to the person who answers correctly.) That's right Dennis Quad, who exchanged acting ability for botox, was out done by his comic foil.
There are several thing about this film that don't make any sense, even for my lowered expectations. One of which is that the main bad guy is "Cobra" but it's G.I. Joe that has a secret base called "The Pit." Cobra hangs out in a huge underwater base that looks like Sea Lab 2021. I could only hope they save that set for a more entertaining comedy in the future.
Another thing I failed to get is there is a series of flashbacks intended to point to contrite conclusions about who is whom and what their motivations are . The first one goes all the way back to 1661 and explains the philosophical origins of the not particularly intimidating SECOND IN COMMAND bad guy. It involves a medieval arms dealer (What?) getting put into a hot iron mask by the English or Aztec king or some crap. Whats important though, is that two hours later the not particularly intimidating SECOND IN COMMAND bad guy gets his face covered in metal. He then exclaims in his best brogue "I'm just like my ancestor now!!" (Paraphrasing, I'm not exactly quoting Scotland's finest here.)
This brings the film in full literary circle. I'm sure these pornfed screenwriters fashioned themselves as genuine American O.Henry's.
Now I'd like to talk about this guy. Channing Tatum is the star of this two hour infomercial. At first he didn't want to be a film that glorified war. But he said that after he read the script that his fears of promoting warfare were calmed.THIS MAKES NO SENSE! IT'S GI JOE!!
Honestly, what is a war glorification film to him? I guess he could say "Yea, I was in GI Joe, but at least I wasn't in Triumph of the Will."
I would also like to point out that Tatum really got into his character: A plastic toy.
Watching him act is like being on the beach, and you walk upon a beached jellyfish. Mildly interested you study the dead blob. The creature is so poorly adapted to his environment you have to ask, "How did he get here?"
That's what it's like to watch Channing Tatum in this film. Except you stare at the jellyfish for two hours and there are no Pina Coladas.
He's either the next Nicholas Cage or he's a brilliant character actor that is being true to his source material. His performance is so bad, it makes you wonder how he got to become an actor.
This movie doesn't just glorify war, it promotes complete teen narcissism. A few points:
1. Early in the film, Tatum and Wayans are the only survivors of a Cobra attack on their special forces unit. They get saved by Snake Eyes (Not Cobra, but hangs out in "The Pit.") and instead of mourning over their lost comrades, they immediately want to sign up for the new guys with cool outfits. I'm used to red-shirt syndrome, but there is something very cold about not even nodding to brave American extras. Really, one scene of the duo raising a glass to their names would have sufficed.
2. By incredible coincidence, Tatum's ex-fiance (Sienna Miller) is Cobra's top operative. I think there was supposed to sexual tension between them, but it was decided that ship had long since sailed before the final edit. Here's the narcissistic part: Teen boys, if you can't have her, she will turn evil. Like end of the world evil.
3. Then, it's found out that she's "kind of" innocent. He then risks life and limb to save her. Remember, the world takes a back seat to the Happy Hour Drama of Tatum and Miller.
4. The weight of the narcissism lies heavy on the crown of Tatum. You see the reason his ex left, went super evil, and put the world is at risk is because of Sienna Miller's brother played Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Both Tatum and Gordon-Levitt were in the military and Tatum promises Miller that he'll protect her little brother. Tatum fails in this task and I'll do my best to summarize:
Tatum can't stand confronting Miller. So he leaves at her behind at Gordon-Levitt's funeral, riding off on his motorcycle in the rain. (No kidding!) Gordon-Levitt survives, fakes his own funeral and drinks lots of King Cobra. He starts calling himself Cobra Commander as a tribute and starts calling his one bedroom apartment "The Pit." But he finds out that this super secret group of Republicans called G.I. Joe already took the name. So he cashes in Grandma's savings bonds and starts and evil underwater kingdom. To help he enlists his big sister, a talented genealogist/arms dealer and an evil ninja.
Now that is rough! It's not easy being self-absorbed because YOUR broken promises will get all of us killed.
5. It only matters if you are white in this film. What a flashback! Marlon Wayans is the also ran. He's completely overshadowed by Tatum. Also, there is a side plot between the good ninja Snake Eyes and the evil ninja Storm Shadow. (Who despite wears white, despite the whole shadow thing.) Oh! Another insult; they make Snake Eyes Caucasian. That's right only Caucasians make good ninjas the G.I. Joe world. In G.I. Joe world the villains are:
1. Talented Asians
2. Emotionally Abandoned Women
3. Physically disabled Men
4. Scotsmen.
5. Arabs (No surprise there really.)
In conclusion, G.I. Joe is perhaps everything that is wrong with our mentality. Why do I have a feeling that thirteen-year old boys who watch this film will grow trying to sell bundles of mortgaged backed securities?
No comments:
Post a Comment