Everyone Thank a Gay Today! (Actually Yesterday!)

Hello,

First off I would like to thank blogger for hosting this site. Second I would like to curse them for sucking out my will to live. Someday, when I have learned more about blog hosts. I will move from this accursed program to something that doesn't infuriate me as much. This post is late on account of their software.

Yesterday, August the 24th I was going to promote a new holiday called "Thank a Gay Day!" For reasons that I will explain later. Why not? There have only been two interesting things that happened on August 24th, so why not make a nice holiday. The first thing was the explosion of Mount Vesuvius...apparently that was like a big deal a long time ago, but I haven't talked to anyone who was there; so volcanoes must be obsolete.

Secondly a bunch of Finnish scientist discovered Argon fluorohydride a few years back. They claim it's the first Argon compound ever made.

Actual Finnish Scientist Person

I actually take issue with this Finnish enthusiasm for discovery. In their excitement, they came to the conclusion that Argon flourohydride was the first compound of it's kind. Well well well Captain Finland! Talk about leaping! They came to the conclusion incorrectly. I happen to know a guy from Thessaly named Jason, and he tells me that his compound is very well known.

As illustrated below; Jason, an aronaut, and his compound.

The Finns should stick ski-jumping. Snow is softer than anything that you land in when you jump to the wrong conclusion.

So what about gay people? Let's do a little mental exercise together:

In order to create you, the reader, thousands and thousands of people were involved. Think about that. Tens of thousands of awkward fumbles with bra clasps. Thousands of lines of pillow talk across multiple languages.

For men, that's a multitude of exaggerations and pumped egos. For women, lots of awkward mornings, stifled cuddle sessions, and lots of wrongly perceived body issues.

If you ever feel bad, remember it took more people to create you than it did to make Suleiman the Magnificent, and he was magnificent.

align="center">Suleiman was awesome. You had to be there.

I'm no expert to make broad statements. But neither is this guy....

So I think I'm not breaking any new ground by making an educated guess. The statistical chances of you having a direct homosexual descendant are 100%. Why? Because conservative estimates put homosexuality in men around 3%. Take tens of thousands of people...then throw in 3% and you get gay.

This is why we should have a "Thank A Gay Day!" because we wouldn't be here without them. These brave souls valued production over preference during a time when civilizations competed.

Any student of history will knows that for Neolithic peoples, warfare was often an matter of attrition. More children meant more workers and more fighters. Many of the early battles for neolithic supremacy were not technological or tactical battles, but simple production and terrain. This brutal fact is the basis for a multitude of Old Testament Laws and the spread of fertility cults.

For those of us that are straight, imagine if we had to make love to someone of our own gender as a matter of duty. Not just once, but many times to make tons of children. I know I wouldn't care if it was Brad Pitt, I find the idea disgusting. Thats just a taste of what homosexuals have been enduring for centuries.

When I think about it. It's amazing that we are the most prominent sentient beings. Let's look at some of the more formidable opponents we've had.

The Cyclops were tough, strong and bizarrely handsome. They were even rather intelligent. But they were fundamentally greedy creatures that had only ah...shortsighted...goals. Not only did their homosexuals not reproduce, but they weren't allowed to be in the military. They were eventually pushed off the mainland and relegated to only a few Greek islands.


Editors Note: You can actually see them today! All you have to do is book a KRONOS tour! That's right! The same people that brought you mass produced fake gyros now bring you exclusive tours to cheap Greek islands! You now have a chance to meet some real cyclopi(?). Now YOU can be the person on the sailing boat in the pictures!!! You know, the grease covered ones on the walls of Greek restaurants. Make sure you tell KRONOS that "Jo" sent you.


The Neanderthals were also stronger and better adapted for the cold than us. How did they wind up in history's dustbin along with trivial creatures like trilobites and Federalists? No discipline! That's why! As a matter of fact, we have recently uncovered a disastrous Neanderthal document that may have been the death knell for a species. (Neanderthal Document: Backside of a rock.)

Okay...Krag Think it Kool to not mate with birthmen if not preferred. Like kids are annoying and stuff. Krag know humans are spindly weakheads with small skulls. We have enough of us to do as we please now. So you guys who like the same musk can now not make little feeders if you want...cause it's not a must and stuff.
Signed

Krag- Slayer of Men. Cave Decorating Commitee Chairperson.
With 3% or more men not reproducing, the Neanderthal eventually lost the reproductive race.



The Pitchmen were even more terrifying than the Cyclopians. They were famous for their skill at sacking walled cities. There are many terrifying ancient accounts of citizens panicking at the sound of thousands of ice cubes clinking against glass in the distance. The sound was said to drive men insane, and they would fling themselves from the roofs of their own huts. Only the huts weren't tall so they would just be bruised. Then they'd climb up and do it again and again until they were dead. REALLY DEAD!
The Pitchmen actually relied on their gay Pitchpeople to use their artistry to make strong and durable vessels for their liquid entrails.

Sadly, some politician pitched the idea that these artisans were an anathema. They rounded up all the gay Pitchmen and marched them into the sea where they would be diluted to death. Legend has it that their juices made dolphins intelligent and friendly.
Eventually the straight Pitchmen forgot how to make glass strong. This lead to their gradual demise as various accidents befell them one by one. The last one was drank by Hercules in an attempt to cure an epic hangover.

There are two lessons here. The first is that the success of a society is intimately tied to how it regards it's minorities. Think of a society as an organic creature. Minorities are like the positive recessive genes that make us adapt to the unique challenges that we are presented with. I believe the Navajo Code Talkers are a good and simple example of having the unique skills of a minority up our sleeve.

The second lesson is best learned by a question:
You know why we are the dominant race of sentient beings? Because we have the best homosexuals that's why! So take a day to go out and thank a gay person you know. We have the best nature has to offer!