Hello,
First off I would like to thank blogger for hosting this site. Second I would like to curse them for sucking out my will to live. Someday, when I have learned more about blog hosts. I will move from this accursed program to something that doesn't infuriate me as much. This post is late on account of their software.
Yesterday, August the 24th I was going to promote a new holiday called "Thank a Gay Day!" For reasons that I will explain later. Why not? There have only been two interesting things that happened on August 24th, so why not make a nice holiday. The first thing was the explosion of Mount Vesuvius...apparently that was like a big deal a long time ago, but I haven't talked to anyone who was there; so volcanoes must be obsolete.
Secondly a bunch of Finnish scientist discovered Argon fluorohydride a few years back. They claim it's the first Argon compound ever made.
Actual Finnish Scientist Person
I actually take issue with this Finnish enthusiasm for discovery. In their excitement, they came to the conclusion that Argon flourohydride was the first compound of it's kind. Well well well Captain Finland! Talk about leaping! They came to the conclusion incorrectly. I happen to know a guy from Thessaly named Jason, and he tells me that his compound is very well known.
As illustrated below; Jason, an aronaut, and his compound.
The Finns should stick ski-jumping. Snow is softer than anything that you land in when you jump to the wrong conclusion.
So what about gay people? Let's do a little mental exercise together:
In order to create you, the reader, thousands and thousands of people were involved. Think about that. Tens of thousands of awkward fumbles with bra clasps. Thousands of lines of pillow talk across multiple languages.
For men, that's a multitude of exaggerations and pumped egos. For women, lots of awkward mornings, stifled cuddle sessions, and lots of wrongly perceived body issues.
This is why we should have a "Thank A Gay Day!" because we wouldn't be here without them. These brave souls valued production over preference during a time when civilizations competed.
If you ever feel bad, remember it took more people to create you than it did to make Suleiman the Magnificent, and he was magnificent.
align="center">Suleiman was awesome. You had to be there.
So I think I'm not breaking any new ground by making an educated guess. The statistical chances of you having a direct homosexual descendant are 100%. Why? Because conservative estimates put homosexuality in men around 3%. Take tens of thousands of people...then throw in 3% and you get gay.
This is why we should have a "Thank A Gay Day!" because we wouldn't be here without them. These brave souls valued production over preference during a time when civilizations competed.
Any student of history will knows that for Neolithic peoples, warfare was often an matter of attrition. More children meant more workers and more fighters. Many of the early battles for neolithic supremacy were not technological or tactical battles, but simple production and terrain. This brutal fact is the basis for a multitude of Old Testament Laws and the spread of fertility cults.
For those of us that are straight, imagine if we had to make love to someone of our own gender as a matter of duty. Not just once, but many times to make tons of children. I know I wouldn't care if it was Brad Pitt, I find the idea disgusting. Thats just a taste of what homosexuals have been enduring for centuries.
When I think about it. It's amazing that we are the most prominent sentient beings. Let's look at some of the more formidable opponents we've had.
The Cyclops were tough, strong and bizarrely handsome. They were even rather intelligent. But they were fundamentally greedy creatures that had only ah...shortsighted...goals. Not only did their homosexuals not reproduce, but they weren't allowed to be in the military. They were eventually pushed off the mainland and relegated to only a few Greek islands.
Editors Note: You can actually see them today! All you have to do is book a KRONOS tour! That's right! The same people that brought you mass produced fake gyros now bring you exclusive tours to cheap Greek islands! You now have a chance to meet some real cyclopi(?). Now YOU can be the person on the sailing boat in the pictures!!! You know, the grease covered ones on the walls of Greek restaurants. Make sure you tell KRONOS that "Jo" sent you.
The Neanderthals were also stronger and better adapted for the cold than us. How did they wind up in history's dustbin along with trivial creatures like trilobites and Federalists? No discipline! That's why! As a matter of fact, we have recently uncovered a disastrous Neanderthal document that may have been the death knell for a species. (Neanderthal Document: Backside of a rock.)
Okay...Krag Think it Kool to not mate with birthmen if not preferred. Like kids are annoying and stuff. Krag know humans are spindly weakheads with small skulls. We have enough of us to do as we please now. So you guys who like the same musk can now not make little feeders if you want...cause it's not a must and stuff.
Signed
Krag- Slayer of Men. Cave Decorating Commitee Chairperson.
With 3% or more men not reproducing, the Neanderthal eventually lost the reproductive race.
The Pitchmen were even more terrifying than the Cyclopians. They were famous for their skill at sacking walled cities. There are many terrifying ancient accounts of citizens panicking at the sound of thousands of ice cubes clinking against glass in the distance. The sound was said to drive men insane, and they would fling themselves from the roofs of their own huts. Only the huts weren't tall so they would just be bruised. Then they'd climb up and do it again and again until they were dead. REALLY DEAD!
The Pitchmen actually relied on their gay Pitchpeople to use their artistry to make strong and durable vessels for their liquid entrails.
Sadly, some politician pitched the idea that these artisans were an anathema. They rounded up all the gay Pitchmen and marched them into the sea where they would be diluted to death. Legend has it that their juices made dolphins intelligent and friendly.
Eventually the straight Pitchmen forgot how to make glass strong. This lead to their gradual demise as various accidents befell them one by one. The last one was drank by Hercules in an attempt to cure an epic hangover.
There are two lessons here. The first is that the success of a society is intimately tied to how it regards it's minorities. Think of a society as an organic creature. Minorities are like the positive recessive genes that make us adapt to the unique challenges that we are presented with. I believe the Navajo Code Talkers are a good and simple example of having the unique skills of a minority up our sleeve.
When I think about it. It's amazing that we are the most prominent sentient beings. Let's look at some of the more formidable opponents we've had.
The Cyclops were tough, strong and bizarrely handsome. They were even rather intelligent. But they were fundamentally greedy creatures that had only ah...shortsighted...goals. Not only did their homosexuals not reproduce, but they weren't allowed to be in the military. They were eventually pushed off the mainland and relegated to only a few Greek islands.
Editors Note: You can actually see them today! All you have to do is book a KRONOS tour! That's right! The same people that brought you mass produced fake gyros now bring you exclusive tours to cheap Greek islands! You now have a chance to meet some real cyclopi(?). Now YOU can be the person on the sailing boat in the pictures!!! You know, the grease covered ones on the walls of Greek restaurants. Make sure you tell KRONOS that "Jo" sent you.
The Neanderthals were also stronger and better adapted for the cold than us. How did they wind up in history's dustbin along with trivial creatures like trilobites and Federalists? No discipline! That's why! As a matter of fact, we have recently uncovered a disastrous Neanderthal document that may have been the death knell for a species. (Neanderthal Document: Backside of a rock.)
Okay...Krag Think it Kool to not mate with birthmen if not preferred. Like kids are annoying and stuff. Krag know humans are spindly weakheads with small skulls. We have enough of us to do as we please now. So you guys who like the same musk can now not make little feeders if you want...cause it's not a must and stuff.
Signed
Krag- Slayer of Men. Cave Decorating Commitee Chairperson.
With 3% or more men not reproducing, the Neanderthal eventually lost the reproductive race.
The Pitchmen were even more terrifying than the Cyclopians. They were famous for their skill at sacking walled cities. There are many terrifying ancient accounts of citizens panicking at the sound of thousands of ice cubes clinking against glass in the distance. The sound was said to drive men insane, and they would fling themselves from the roofs of their own huts. Only the huts weren't tall so they would just be bruised. Then they'd climb up and do it again and again until they were dead. REALLY DEAD!
The Pitchmen actually relied on their gay Pitchpeople to use their artistry to make strong and durable vessels for their liquid entrails.
Sadly, some politician pitched the idea that these artisans were an anathema. They rounded up all the gay Pitchmen and marched them into the sea where they would be diluted to death. Legend has it that their juices made dolphins intelligent and friendly.
Eventually the straight Pitchmen forgot how to make glass strong. This lead to their gradual demise as various accidents befell them one by one. The last one was drank by Hercules in an attempt to cure an epic hangover.
There are two lessons here. The first is that the success of a society is intimately tied to how it regards it's minorities. Think of a society as an organic creature. Minorities are like the positive recessive genes that make us adapt to the unique challenges that we are presented with. I believe the Navajo Code Talkers are a good and simple example of having the unique skills of a minority up our sleeve.
The second lesson is best learned by a question:
You know why we are the dominant race of sentient beings? Because we have the best homosexuals that's why! So take a day to go out and thank a gay person you know. We have the best nature has to offer!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Narcisssim on the Big Screen.
It's that time of year where I give my extremely important opinion on movies that I have seen. Why? Because I have keen eye, a fertile intellect and voracious need to chop down the rich and attractive.
G.I. Joe (Warning Contains Truths)
First off, I can't review this film like a normal movie. I have seen other people mock it for it's "physics" or complete lack of reality. I jetted that out the window. Criticizing a summer blockbuster because of it's lack of reality is like telling a little kid that he's not likely to become an cowboy because the industry has changed.
The movie hit it's high point during the previews for other films. I was extremely excited to see what talented filmmakers where doing while the GI Joe guys were vomiting out celluloid.
There were some other bright spots. Marlon Wayans has some good lines and runs circles around the rest of the cast. ( I recall he did this with another terrible franchise film. A free pound of fresh pasta to the person who answers correctly.) That's right Dennis Quad, who exchanged acting ability for botox, was out done by his comic foil.
There are several thing about this film that don't make any sense, even for my lowered expectations. One of which is that the main bad guy is "Cobra" but it's G.I. Joe that has a secret base called "The Pit." Cobra hangs out in a huge underwater base that looks like Sea Lab 2021. I could only hope they save that set for a more entertaining comedy in the future.
Another thing I failed to get is there is a series of flashbacks intended to point to contrite conclusions about who is whom and what their motivations are . The first one goes all the way back to 1661 and explains the philosophical origins of the not particularly intimidating SECOND IN COMMAND bad guy. It involves a medieval arms dealer (What?) getting put into a hot iron mask by the English or Aztec king or some crap. Whats important though, is that two hours later the not particularly intimidating SECOND IN COMMAND bad guy gets his face covered in metal. He then exclaims in his best brogue "I'm just like my ancestor now!!" (Paraphrasing, I'm not exactly quoting Scotland's finest here.)
This brings the film in full literary circle. I'm sure these pornfed screenwriters fashioned themselves as genuine American O.Henry's.
Now I'd like to talk about this guy. Channing Tatum is the star of this two hour infomercial. At first he didn't want to be a film that glorified war. But he said that after he read the script that his fears of promoting warfare were calmed.THIS MAKES NO SENSE! IT'S GI JOE!!
Honestly, what is a war glorification film to him? I guess he could say "Yea, I was in GI Joe, but at least I wasn't in Triumph of the Will."
I would also like to point out that Tatum really got into his character: A plastic toy.
Watching him act is like being on the beach, and you walk upon a beached jellyfish. Mildly interested you study the dead blob. The creature is so poorly adapted to his environment you have to ask, "How did he get here?"
That's what it's like to watch Channing Tatum in this film. Except you stare at the jellyfish for two hours and there are no Pina Coladas.
He's either the next Nicholas Cage or he's a brilliant character actor that is being true to his source material. His performance is so bad, it makes you wonder how he got to become an actor.
This movie doesn't just glorify war, it promotes complete teen narcissism. A few points:
1. Early in the film, Tatum and Wayans are the only survivors of a Cobra attack on their special forces unit. They get saved by Snake Eyes (Not Cobra, but hangs out in "The Pit.") and instead of mourning over their lost comrades, they immediately want to sign up for the new guys with cool outfits. I'm used to red-shirt syndrome, but there is something very cold about not even nodding to brave American extras. Really, one scene of the duo raising a glass to their names would have sufficed.
2. By incredible coincidence, Tatum's ex-fiance (Sienna Miller) is Cobra's top operative. I think there was supposed to sexual tension between them, but it was decided that ship had long since sailed before the final edit. Here's the narcissistic part: Teen boys, if you can't have her, she will turn evil. Like end of the world evil.
3. Then, it's found out that she's "kind of" innocent. He then risks life and limb to save her. Remember, the world takes a back seat to the Happy Hour Drama of Tatum and Miller.
4. The weight of the narcissism lies heavy on the crown of Tatum. You see the reason his ex left, went super evil, and put the world is at risk is because of Sienna Miller's brother played Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Both Tatum and Gordon-Levitt were in the military and Tatum promises Miller that he'll protect her little brother. Tatum fails in this task and I'll do my best to summarize:
Tatum can't stand confronting Miller. So he leaves at her behind at Gordon-Levitt's funeral, riding off on his motorcycle in the rain. (No kidding!) Gordon-Levitt survives, fakes his own funeral and drinks lots of King Cobra. He starts calling himself Cobra Commander as a tribute and starts calling his one bedroom apartment "The Pit." But he finds out that this super secret group of Republicans called G.I. Joe already took the name. So he cashes in Grandma's savings bonds and starts and evil underwater kingdom. To help he enlists his big sister, a talented genealogist/arms dealer and an evil ninja.
Now that is rough! It's not easy being self-absorbed because YOUR broken promises will get all of us killed.
5. It only matters if you are white in this film. What a flashback! Marlon Wayans is the also ran. He's completely overshadowed by Tatum. Also, there is a side plot between the good ninja Snake Eyes and the evil ninja Storm Shadow. (Who despite wears white, despite the whole shadow thing.) Oh! Another insult; they make Snake Eyes Caucasian. That's right only Caucasians make good ninjas the G.I. Joe world. In G.I. Joe world the villains are:
1. Talented Asians
2. Emotionally Abandoned Women
3. Physically disabled Men
4. Scotsmen.
5. Arabs (No surprise there really.)
In conclusion, G.I. Joe is perhaps everything that is wrong with our mentality. Why do I have a feeling that thirteen-year old boys who watch this film will grow trying to sell bundles of mortgaged backed securities?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Hairstyles and their Biographies.
Hello,
Random Thought # 1 : The Pictures in of Hair Styles in Salons are Utterly Ridiculous.
Being the paragon of style that I am, I only get styling at the most upscale boutiques. I happen to get my perfect locks pruned at little place called Great Clips. I know that $12 is more than Tred Safe shoe assembler makes in month. I get the same uninspired style everytime I go; it may be plain but at least it's not one of those weird styles that send all the wrong messages. Let's take a brief journey through the world of hair. =
Let's Take a look at this fellow. His name is Danny Coyle. After experimenting with both men and women, but he ultimately decided no one was good enough for him. (He is actively looking to clone himself for the perfect mate.)
Actually, Danny believes that everthing he does is so incredibly profound that it makes everyone else's lives insignificant to him. Danny often sighs and looks for an escape from you as soon as you shake his hand. If he can stand you, he might tell you about how a coffee he bought that morning gave a thought. And that thought will change your world.
How about the guy on the right. He's Ashton Kutcher's lesser-known cousin Cloud. Cloud has a had a rough run of things the last few years. He broke his foot his senior year and missed most of his final LaCrosse season. After that his girlfriend Vanessa left him and he decided that being a minor luminary in the white aristocracy was not for him. He rebelled, vowed to get back at "everyone" by commiting class suicide. He got a job, sold his beamer, bought a bike and moved to an upper-middle class neighborhood. The dirty work of managing baristas has toughned Cloud's outlook on life. But he's still sensitive to three things: LaCrosse, sunlight and Vanessa
I have been informed that this guy on my right is actually famous. That's irrelevant to my point. If a middle-aged man has hair that is too sylish it screams one thing:
"I left the mother of my children for a younger woman."
Actually there is an more rare alternate message:
" I'm the kind of gay man the makes women sink deeper into their Haagen-Dazs induced coma."
Why do salons show pictures of people we don't want to emulate, wearing products we don't want. I mean we walk into McDonalds and the picture helps us decide what we want. Since this is a visual post I leave you with a final choice. Pick whichever product is more appealing. (Sorry Vegetarians!)
OR
YOU DECIDE!
This is the introduction to the "Random Thoughts" section. I could dress it up as something more exciting like "Thoughtful Musings." However, that would mean that they are somehow profound. Random Thoughts are simply jokes I'm not creative enought to bring to proper fruition.
Random Thought # 1 : The Pictures in of Hair Styles in Salons are Utterly Ridiculous.
Being the paragon of style that I am, I only get styling at the most upscale boutiques. I happen to get my perfect locks pruned at little place called Great Clips. I know that $12 is more than Tred Safe shoe assembler makes in month. I get the same uninspired style everytime I go; it may be plain but at least it's not one of those weird styles that send all the wrong messages. Let's take a brief journey through the world of hair. =
Let's Take a look at this fellow. His name is Danny Coyle. After experimenting with both men and women, but he ultimately decided no one was good enough for him. (He is actively looking to clone himself for the perfect mate.)Actually, Danny believes that everthing he does is so incredibly profound that it makes everyone else's lives insignificant to him. Danny often sighs and looks for an escape from you as soon as you shake his hand. If he can stand you, he might tell you about how a coffee he bought that morning gave a thought. And that thought will change your world.
How about the guy on the right. He's Ashton Kutcher's lesser-known cousin Cloud. Cloud has a had a rough run of things the last few years. He broke his foot his senior year and missed most of his final LaCrosse season. After that his girlfriend Vanessa left him and he decided that being a minor luminary in the white aristocracy was not for him. He rebelled, vowed to get back at "everyone" by commiting class suicide. He got a job, sold his beamer, bought a bike and moved to an upper-middle class neighborhood. The dirty work of managing baristas has toughned Cloud's outlook on life. But he's still sensitive to three things: LaCrosse, sunlight and Vanessa
I have been informed that this guy on my right is actually famous. That's irrelevant to my point. If a middle-aged man has hair that is too sylish it screams one thing:"I left the mother of my children for a younger woman."
Actually there is an more rare alternate message:
" I'm the kind of gay man the makes women sink deeper into their Haagen-Dazs induced coma."
Why do salons show pictures of people we don't want to emulate, wearing products we don't want. I mean we walk into McDonalds and the picture helps us decide what we want. Since this is a visual post I leave you with a final choice. Pick whichever product is more appealing. (Sorry Vegetarians!)
OR
YOU DECIDE!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Introduction and strange phone call.
Hello,
So here I am. My triumphal entry into the world of internet celebrity. I know, there is a half-dozen people out there who are going crazy. But hold the jets and cool the horses; this was a decision made with great temporal and strategic care. I have jumped into the void due to recent vacancies in our mutual consciousness'.
Actually, I got a recent worried call from a worried celebrity that was convinced that he was being hunted by a secret society. In order to further protect my trusted friend, I'll refer to him by his birth name: Biscuit Muncher
TRANSCRIPT:
Jo: This is Jo.
BM: Helrro!? Jo is thrat YUUU?!
Jo: Yea Biscuit, what's up. Do you have my money?
BM: No....I"m scared! There is somerone coming after me...says I'm not relevant and wants to knock me off!!!!
Jo: You need help B. You need help real bad.
BM: NROOO!!! He's croming to crumble me into pieces of particles!!!
Jo: Alright where are you? Are you hiding in a place he won't find you?
BM: Yea. I'm under my bed.
Jo: OMG! Is he in your apartment?!!
BM: No, not ret. He's on his wray! But when he cromes I'll already be hiding. I've stocked rup on all the thrings that I wrant. Grood plan eh?
Jo: No you should run to Lambchops estate. Everyone thinks he's dead. Call me when you get there.
BM: Okay don't hrang up ret! I'm sro scared! The man sraid he got Michael, Brilly Mays, even Ralter Ronkrite!.
Jo: Oh...incoming call. I'll call you back.
BM: Rooo! Don't hang rup! click.
Jo: This is Jo.
Zima: Hey man! I didn't know else to turn to. It's your old buddy Zima. Remember me. Back in 1999?
Jo: Oh Zima! I thought you were discontinued.
Zima: Look man, that's what I'm callin about. Someone is off... to finish me off. He kept talkin about how I was next after Biscuit Muncher. I'm scared man.....God I miss Crystal. I miss Crystal so bad.
Jo: You mean Crystal Clear Pepsi?
Zima: (weeping) Yea, I think it's the same guy. He was so beautiful Jo. I let him go....we all let go!!!!!
Jo: Are you drunk?
Zima: I'm Zima!!!
Jo: Right...call a taxi and go to Lambchops house. I'll meet you there when you sober up.
Zima: I'm Zima!!
Jo: Look big Z, I gotta go. click!
So that's how this whole thing got started. Stay tuned for further information and updates.
>
So here I am. My triumphal entry into the world of internet celebrity. I know, there is a half-dozen people out there who are going crazy. But hold the jets and cool the horses; this was a decision made with great temporal and strategic care. I have jumped into the void due to recent vacancies in our mutual consciousness'.
Actually, I got a recent worried call from a worried celebrity that was convinced that he was being hunted by a secret society. In order to further protect my trusted friend, I'll refer to him by his birth name: Biscuit Muncher
TRANSCRIPT:
Jo: This is Jo.
BM: Helrro!? Jo is thrat YUUU?!
Jo: Yea Biscuit, what's up. Do you have my money?
BM: No....I"m scared! There is somerone coming after me...says I'm not relevant and wants to knock me off!!!!
Jo: You need help B. You need help real bad.
BM: NROOO!!! He's croming to crumble me into pieces of particles!!!
Jo: Alright where are you? Are you hiding in a place he won't find you?
BM: Yea. I'm under my bed.
Jo: OMG! Is he in your apartment?!!
BM: No, not ret. He's on his wray! But when he cromes I'll already be hiding. I've stocked rup on all the thrings that I wrant. Grood plan eh?
Jo: No you should run to Lambchops estate. Everyone thinks he's dead. Call me when you get there.
BM: Okay don't hrang up ret! I'm sro scared! The man sraid he got Michael, Brilly Mays, even Ralter Ronkrite!.
Jo: Oh...incoming call. I'll call you back.
BM: Rooo! Don't hang rup! click.
Jo: This is Jo.
Zima: Hey man! I didn't know else to turn to. It's your old buddy Zima. Remember me. Back in 1999?
Jo: Oh Zima! I thought you were discontinued.
Zima: Look man, that's what I'm callin about. Someone is off... to finish me off. He kept talkin about how I was next after Biscuit Muncher. I'm scared man.....God I miss Crystal. I miss Crystal so bad.
Jo: You mean Crystal Clear Pepsi?
Zima: (weeping) Yea, I think it's the same guy. He was so beautiful Jo. I let him go....we all let go!!!!!
Jo: Are you drunk?
Zima: I'm Zima!!!
Jo: Right...call a taxi and go to Lambchops house. I'll meet you there when you sober up.
Zima: I'm Zima!!
Jo: Look big Z, I gotta go. click!
So that's how this whole thing got started. Stay tuned for further information and updates.
>
Tester
Hello,
This is a software test. If you are insecure or overly sensitive, you derive great meaning from this first post.
Stay tuned to hopefully laugh a little soon. Deep laughter...both sensitive and insecure.
Sincerely,
Jo
This is a software test. If you are insecure or overly sensitive, you derive great meaning from this first post.
Stay tuned to hopefully laugh a little soon. Deep laughter...both sensitive and insecure.
Sincerely,
Jo